100. I get S.A.D. And creative, coherent writing? Is simply outside the realms of possiblities when one feels S.A.D. (Inside the realms? Are Sighing. Sleeping. Eating Chipotle.) So - just for today (Ed. note: Lie) - I turn to lists. Juicy, exciting drafts await to be published. I pinkie promise. And–
99. A pinkie promise is my sacred form of allegiance.
98. I worked as a cocktail waitress at a gentleman’s club for 3 months while in college. It wasn’t nearly as sleazy as people always assume. But it was a mind-altering first hand experience inside a conflicting world that triggers so many opinions and criticisms. I plan to write about it on this blog. I hope I can do it justice.
97. My second toes are longer than my big toes. My mom tells me that this means she’ll live longer than my dad.
96. For the first 17 years of my life, I was dedicated to the idea of saving myself for my future husband. It had nothing to do with religion. I was just that much of a romantic and idealist.
95. I feel the most attacked when people use my race to insult me. I’m a walking bundle of traits that are ripe for insult. People need to be more creative.
94. I once spent the night with a famous musician. It was around the time he was beginning to become very well-known. From what I’ve seen in the media, he seems like an absolute dousch now.
93. I hate the sound of cracking knuckles.
92. I don’t let myself think in terms of “The One” anymore. My heart is a far too fragile, weakened thing for that. But if I did, I know my boyfriend is it.
91. I perfer to write with Sharpies and Pilot Razor Points. I have told actual people that the Pilot Razor Points are the best pens ever! I am very cool like this.
90. Sometimes, I wonder if part of the reason I root for Hillary is because I want Bill back.
89. In seventh grade, I had a chain of paperclips that I kept in my room. I added to the chain every time I wanted to kill myself and decided that when it reached 12, I would.
88. I battled with thoughts of suicide during my entire childhood and teen years. It was 100% due to my father’s treatment of me.
87. After everything, optimism and hope remain my innate instincts. I’m confident that this is why I am the conflicted person you see today.
86. I masterbate, but don’t own a vibrator. And I hate the word masterbate. I hesitate every single time before I use it and cringe immediately afterwards.
85. I’m slightly nervous right now that I will fuck up counting backwards.
84. Flowers are nice, but I’d rather have a guy buy me a dinner of oysters, medium rare steak, and an accompanying bottle of red.
83. I almost always offer to split the bill. And if the guy agrees, I don’t secretly judge him.
82. I must sleep with my feet uncovered. Sleeping bags make me panic.
81. I was considered a piano prodigy at the age of 8 and continued to play until I was 16. Then I quit to spite my parents.
80. I find a quick wit and sly intelligience far sexier than any single physical trait.
79. I prefer Batman over Superman. This speaks volumes about the type of men I like.
78. In eighth grade, I was class president, a straight A+ student, and the most popular girl in school. I also steadily shoplifted over a period of 9 months.
77. My mom was the one who figured out what I was doing. One day, she came into my room, looked at me, and simply said: “Please stop. Think about how sad you make me and your daddy if they catch you.” I stopped immediately. My heart aches with shame when I think about how much my mother must have hurt and doubted herself that day.
76. My father is the smartest person I have ever and will probably ever meet.
75. I mumble secrets while I sleep. (Please don’t take advantage of this knowledge.)
74. I desperately wish I spoke with a British accent. Sometimes, when I’m in a new place where no one knows me, I try to fake one.
73. When I was younger, I always ordered my eggs sunny-side up at restaurants because I loved how it sounded even though I preferred my eggs scrambled.
72. I am able to draw perfectly straight lines free-hand.
71. Were I forced to choose between going blind or deaf, I would choose to go blind. Music, laughter, whispered “I love you’s”, crashing waves and uninhibited loud sex all outweigh whatever ease sight can afford.
70. If I ever run into Ann Coulter, I plan on backhand slapping the shit out of her.
69. In 9th grade, my friend Cindi asked me one morning if I knew what 69ing was as we sat together on the schoolbus en route to our high school. Cindi was one of those girls who had already french kissed and what not, so I lied and said I did. I don’t think I officially learned what it was until my senior year in high school.
68. I am deathly afraid of animals that can act like humans. The Island of Doctor Moreau continues to be one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever watched. It also marked the end of my obsession with Val Kilmer that had begun with Batman Forever and (unfortunately) motivated me to watch any and every movie of his.
67. Somehow, I escaped my childhood without having to add “problems with body image” to my mixed bag of fucked up issues extraordinaire.
66. But then I dated a boy named [omitted] who told me one day - out of the blue - that his friends often discussed that he was lucky for my teeth that are fine but not supermodel straight and white or I’d be far too hot for him. Since then, I’ve had problems laughing or smiling or talking without wanting to cover my mouth with my hand.
65. In the 6th grade, I was asked to submit my handwriting into some contest for a book that displayed examples of perfect handwriting.
64. I absolutely cannot watch movies that have been adapted from books without making a million comments about how it failed to capture the proper spirit of the book. I also nitpick about changed details.
63. I went through a period in college where I spelled words like this: favourite, centre and realise. (Is anyone else sensing some Anglophile tendencies?)
62. I have killer beginner’s luck. From the first time I bowled to the first time I cook a new recipe. Sometimes I think this is why I never developed a good work ethic.
61. I would rather live in a dank, cramped basement apartment in a fabulous city than a spacious barn in the middle of fucking nowhere.
60. I was in love with a boy all during elementary school who broke my little 9 year old heart when he moved away the summer after fourth grade. I found him on Facebook a few years ago. After a few messages back and forth saying Hello and How are you and What have you been up to, I sent him an adorably witty message about how I had crushed on him during our elementary school days. He never responded.
59. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a heel that is too high.
58. I trash talk at sporting events. A lot. I was once warned by a referee at a professional sporting event that if I didn’t can it, he’d have me personally escorted out of the game.
57. When I lived in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood two years ago, I would run into Shane from the Real World all the time. One night, at a bar in Boystown, I saw him demand free shots from people who wanted pictures with him.
56. I hate Twizzlers. But every once in a while, when they’re offered, I try them again because there must be a reason why so many people are obsessed with them, right? And every time, I conclude that I absolutely hate them.
55. I would eat these habitually, though. They’re just so pretty.
54. The summer after third grade, I suffered third degree burns on my left arm after I tripped on a rug and landed it in a boiling pot of chicken noodle soup. I didn’t follow the doctor’s orders to keep it properly bandaged for six weeks and now have the skin that never healed properly to show for it. But I kind of like the scars. (So I’m also proving to be a scar-o-phile, yes?)
53. I love sex and I think I’m the horniest person I know. Well, second to my friend Pete. He’s a horny fucker (Ed. note: Pun or no pun intended, I don’t even know).
52. I need to highlight texts in perfectly straight and parallel lines.
51. I want to be the first female to win the World Series of Poker’s $10,000 Buy-In No-Limit Main Event.
50. I always laughed at the girls on America’s Next Top Model who cried at the hair salons during the makeover episodes. Then, during the summer after my junior year in college, I went to my hair stylist Saha for a perm. I wanted beautiful, sexy waves. She was sick that day and had her assistant fill in. I ended up with poodle curls (that literally *boinged* back into shape when pulled straight) and cried right there in the salon chair. A lot.
49. I’m not one of those girls who already have their perfect wedding planned to every detail. But I see mine happening at the beach, at sunrise, with everyone dressed in formal wear and barefeet.
48. I’m pretty certain I would have walked away with at least $125,000 if I had ever been on Millionaire.
47. My friend Ally and I created a fake Friendster account during our senior year in college and sent messages to a Buddhist I had slept with a few times earlier that quarter. On our 7th date or so, he told me that he had a girlfriend who he’d leave for me. I immediately stopped seeing him. That ass responded to every single message until I sent him one that suggested he looked like Patrick Dempsey.
46. I have spent over $400 on a 9-course sushi dinner. One 9-course sushi dinner.
45. My friend Christina and I signed up for a Crunch membership a few years ago solely to attend their Aerobic Striptease classes, then never attended a single class. The one and only time we were inside their facilities - the night we went to sign up - we saw Fifty Cent. He came dressed in Timbalands, baggy jeans, black suspenders, a white wifebeater and a black doorag. There were also some heavy gold chains around his neck. He did a few bench presses. Said hello to us. Asked us if we wanted to come to his concert the next night at the House of Blues. Then left.
44. I slept with a night light until I was 18.
43. I am completely obsessed with the history and literature of Russia. And more generally, Eastern Europe.
42. My college history honors thesis centered on women who lived during the Italian Renaissance. I wanted to write it primarily about prostitutes and courtesans, but enough primary sources did not exist. So I wrote about mothers, nuns, and prostitutes and courtesans. And sex. At the end of the year, I graduated with honors from the history department.
41. When I skydived (skydove?) last summer, I was completely unafraid. In hindsight, the only thing that scares me was how unafraid I was.
40. I hate the phrase “At the end of the day.”
39. I also hate the phrase “It’s not personal.” It’s always personal.
38. When I was young, I was so scared of the idea of “eternal life” that I’d cry if I thought about it too much. I would have to force myself to stop trying to make sense of it. (And we see when my problems with denial began.) I still find this concept numbingly frightening.
37. The first time I ran over an animal while driving, I had to pull over because I couldn’t stop shaking.
36. I grew up in a town that - at the time - was approximately 95% white. But it wasn’t until I arrived at my prestigious alma mater that I felt so self-conscious about my race. I still postulate that the college I went to was far too segregated and separated for an institute of higher learning.
35. I love pizza rolls. I think I could eat 50 of them in one sitting.
34. I have a hard time choosing favorites. Color, drink, season, genre of music, whatever. I guess I really do like change and the something new that much.
33. I think Thousand Island dressing - 99% of the time - is absolutely disgusting. The 1% is to cover the times when I eat Reuben’s. Because I adore Reuben’s.
32. Remember Gumby? He scared the shit out of me.
31. Until I was 11 years old, I thought “chaos” was spelled KAOS because of Get Smart. I loved Get Smart. One night, four minutes before its air time on Nick & Nite, my mother told me that I was not allowed to watch any tv until I showered. To date, that is the fastest shower I’ve taken in my life.
30. I learned how chaos was actually spelled when my extended family sat down to watch Braveheart together in my uncle’s new home theater. I - being the oldest - was selected to read the history at the beginning of the movie. I still cringe when I remember how much my cousin - who is one year younger than me and had herself and her achievements always compared against my own growing up - smirked as she corrected me.
29. I like playing video games, and, yes, I’m that girl who moves her controller around and bounces in her seat and squeals when she just narrowly escapes the pit of lava.
28. When I’m out, I like dancing with girls far more than with guys. Guys are too gropey and thrusty.
27. I also think girls are better kissers.
26. I still qualify things I want to do in the future with “When I grow up..”
25. I think I’d make an excellent aunt/godmother/nanny because I would totally want to play with Legos and Barbies and Hide & Seek and Tag all the time.
24. The best ice cream that exists in this world is Dove’s Chocolate & Brownie Affair with the layer of ganache. This is actually not up for argument. A close second and third are Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie Chunk and Häagen-Dazs’ Cherry Vanilla.
23. I want to travel and visit everywhere. Literally, everywhere. I love immersing myself into different cultures, learning and becoming more aware.
22. I fell through a manhole cover one very early morning on the way to my apartment during my senior year in college. And that, my friends, is what God thinks about walks of shame.
21. Last winter, an attorney at my firm asked me if I like to eat bright candy. Affected by the holiday spirit, I had recently purchased some Sweet Tarts candy canes. When I told him that I had eaten some of these candy canes the other day, he informed me that he had found bright blue bits of candy among documents earlier that morning in court while speaking in front of the judge and opposing counsel.
20. One of my biggest regrets from college is that I never tried out for College Jeopardy.
19. There is a company policy that no one is allowed to save MP3s on the company server. I am the reason for why this policy exists.
18. There is also a company policy that states it cannot be held accountable if an employee trips and hurts themselves due to the length of their pants being too long for their persons. I am also the inspiration behind this.
17. I still hopelessly believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters. I blame the endless stream of Disney movies I was sat in front of during my childhood for this affliction.
16. I love fried chicken livers. And fried chicken. A lot.
15. I don’t use birth control anymore after a particularly bad stint with a little bitch named Cyclessa. It made me the type of crazy I had no control over. I know I may be crazy, but I never want to feel like I’m crazy because of some foreign intrusion into my brain, my mind, my body.
14. I can be incredibly ditzy sometimes. For instance, the running joke among my friends for a while was asking me if I felt like eating an “abesto” after I asked my friend Tim what an abesto was.
13. I sometimes really wish hoop skirts would come back into style. Even for just one day.
12. My boyfriend may get glasses just to appease me, even though he’s had LASIK done on both of his eyes and now has perfect vision.
11. Several years ago, my friends had to take me to the police station after an ex boyfriend stalked me, crossed two state lines, found me, and broke into my apartment. Sometimes, I will see a person who resembles him and become instantly paralyzed with fear. Then, I run. I can’t even look back to see if it’s really him or not, I just run.
10. I was a naturally gifted singer who smoked far too much during college and now my voice doesn’t sound the same at all when I sing. The worst manhandling happened during the winter quarter of my senior year, when I smoked and drank my way through six days a week. I hate that it affected my singing, but I loved the gravely and throaty speaking voice that was mine for 4 months.
9. I really wish I could be hired as Britney’s stylist and life coach for a few months. Hell, even a few weeks. Homegirl needs help.
8. I probably would have slept with one of my college professors if the situation had ever presented itself. And, you know, had he been sexy and gorgeous. Or, you know, not gay.
7. For all the superlatives I throw around, I’m incapable of hating people. It’s easy to not hate nice people, but I’ve met some, known some and loved some well-disguised backstabbing assholes. Still, I can’t hate them.
6. If you want me to do anything, just extend a dare. I cannot turn them down, even one where the loser of a fantasy football matchup has to run down a stretch of Lake Shore Drive completely naked. (Please don’t take advantage of this trait, either.)
5. I have not seen a single episode of The Sopranos. Which is surprising, because I love all things related to the mafia, the mob, or whatever other underground society or subculture. And, um, also surprising in light of the fact that I’ve pretty much seen 99% of all tv programs ever created.
4. Of the seven sins, I am most guilty of lust, gluttony, sloth, and bits of pride. I’ll have moments when I think of how nice it would be if I had won the lottery after a big jackpot has been won or become very heated when a past landlord finally gets in touch with you and your roommates after four months of silence and claims he mailed your security deposit checks back in September, but these moments are fleeting. Envy, greed, or wrath just aren’t really my things.
3. I admire people who don’t bullshit. I’d much rather hear the blunt truth than be dealt saccharinely sweet untruths. I work towards being better at this myself.
2. I feel the most happiness when the people I care about are happy and content and well.
1. I could not say with full confidence that a video of me having sex couldn’t be found on the internet. My friend Matt, after it was too late, found a video of him stripping to Enrique Iglesias’ Escape - a private video he had made for his girlfriend - online. And knowledge like this is what makes me very fearful of the world wide web sometimes.
