She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Friend (A Guest Post) March 3, 2008

For some time now, I’d secretly been hoping the Damsel’s boyfriend would sweep her away on another spur of the moment vacation, leaving her to frantically figure out how she’d get out of work and what she would pack and what she would tell her parents when they called and heard surf/fiesta music/other festive background sounds that are clearly out of place in a Chicago winter.
 
My plan was to sit around on gchat, help brainstorm plausible excuses to tell her boss and use my expensive engineering degree to figure out the maximum number of shoes she could pack in a carry-on suitcase (advice that clearly would be ignored come packing time). Then, in the middle of the excitement… I’d say wait! I just thought of something! What about your blog, Damsel? What about your readers?? I’m just going to throw this out, but I’dbewillingtowriteforyouwhatdoyouthink???
  
Luckily for me, I didn’t have to wait until their next spontaneous voyage; the Damsel has asked me to write a reoccuring guest column. And just who am I, you ask? Why, I am Bess, to the Damsel’s Nancy Drew. I am the Dr. Phil to her Oprah, the pink wig to her Britney, the “hell yeah” to her “anyone need a second rum runner?”
  
However, due to illness (maybe it’s not a good idea to run outside of the bar for a cigarette without a coat? especially when it’s only eight degrees? even when it’s your birthday and you get to do whatever you want?), I have no cohesive plan for this. Nor do I really have a cohesive plan for this post, but I digress (sorry, I couldn’t resist). I figure I’ll just breeze in each month or so, rant about something, maybe answer some non-identity revealing questions you have about the Damsel, and then sneak back out until I get bored or something.
  
So in an attempt to both get to know each other a little better and exercise my self-indulgent tendencies (this is a blog after all), here are a few fun facts about me:
  
-I hate snakes more than anything but am FASCINATED by stories about snakes eating things when hilarity does not ensue (see http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23364108/).

-In high school, I received a medal for being the smartest girl in the county.

-In college, two girls and I drank an entire bottle of Everclear before going out for the night. This is my greatest/stupidest drinking achievement (I say achievement because none of us went to the hospital) and I’m pretty sure that killed whatever part of my brain made me the smartest girl in the county.

-I have an arch enemy.  He uses the same Red Line stop that I do. I’ve seen him eat an entire block of cheese in the morning for breakfast.  Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from pushing him onto the tracks is thinking about how late the subsequent train delay would make me for work.

-Sometimes I say hi and wave to dogs on the street.
  
The end!*

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*Remember in middle school and high school when teachers would force you to write a different kind of essay everyday? Because ”you’ll need to know the difference between expository and demonstrative writing when you get to college?” And your teacher would hand you back your essay with little notes in red ink saying “work on transitions?” Well, I don’t want to accuse them of lying (which, for the record, they were), but I didn’t need any of that once I got to college, and as such, I’m not so good at “conclusions” and the like.  So until I come up with a post summarizing my lab results or detailing my risk assessment, you’re probably going to have to put up with some awkward phrases.  Thanks in advance for your patience.